An Open Letter To Those Who Love Me

Hello, 

I know you care about and love me, but my OCD is hard for you. I want you to know that this is hard for me too. I don’t want to think this way, act this way, or be this way … but I can’t help it. If I could stop my obsessions and compulsions, I would. I hope to give you a glimpse of what I face every day. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not who I am, but it is a part of me. A part of me that is all-consuming and painful. I am working in therapy to gain tools to control it better. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is characterized by recurrent, unwanted, and intrusive thoughts and obsessions that lead to compulsions or compulsive behaviors. These behaviors are ritualistic, repetitive, and feel impossible to resist. While therapy is helping me understand that my obsessions and compulsions might be rooted in a false sense of reality, it doesn’t make them go away. 

If I don’t touch my door handle 16 times after walking into my apartment, someone will break into my space and murder me. It might be hard for you to understand; it all feels so real to me. I feel so much fear and anxiety every day. I also feel disgusted by myself, uncertain, and filled with so much doubt that if I don’t do something right, something terrible might happen. 

I feel so out of control with my obsession with being in control. My need for control consumes me. I don’t know why I am like this. As you all know, my obsessions and compulsions focus on checking, contamination, and morality. Checking includes the obsessive fear that if I do not check something enough, something terrible might happen due to my carelessness. This includes checking my doors to ensure they’re locked, making sure the stovetops are turned off, and other behaviors like these. It also includes constantly seeking reassurance and re-reading my texts 50 times before sending them. I know my checking is so annoying for you all. I sometimes check for an hour straight to feel calm inside my body. And even then, I am still uneasy. 

Regarding my obsessions, I am so afraid that I will get sick and die. This obsession scares me so much. I’m sorry I can’t go out to eat at restaurants with you; I’m sorry that I spend hours in the bathroom cleaning myself, and I’m sorry I won’t let you come to my house because I deem you “unclean.” I don’t want to hurt you. I am working on getting better, and I hope you can understand. I don’t want to get sick. 

Moral scrupulosity, obsessions, and compulsions are probably the worst. They make me feel so worthless, and the pain that comes with that is hard to put into words. I am afraid of being immoral or morally contaminated, and the intrusive thoughts around that fear are constant. Am I a good person? Am I going to murder someone I love? Am I honest enough? Will I get in trouble for this? Am I worthy of living? These thoughts paralyze me from living the life I desire. They stop me from spending time with you. They prohibit me from being the daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.

While these are the obsessions I struggle with, OCD includes many different types of thoughts and behaviors. Some others include the following: fear of losing control, intrusive sexual and violent thoughts, obsession with religion, order, symmetry, superstitions, and hoarding. I have learned in therapy that I am not alone with my disorder. A lot of people out there have OCD, and some services can help me get better.

I am so happy, but also scared, to take these first steps towards breaking free from my OCD. Since OCD is based on anxiety, my therapists have used cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on me. This type of treatment modality focuses on one’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior and breaks down any that are faulty or harmful. I have found it helpful so far. We are also starting exposure and response prevention (ERP), which will require that I resist my compulsions for some time to help me understand that nothing terrible will happen if I do not engage in the compulsion and that I can regulate myself without it. This sounds very hard at this point, but I am hopeful that it will restore some sense of peace and balance back into my life if I have the appropriate support to give it a try. I am working hard, and I hope you can see this, family and friends. 

For you to know that I am trying is so important to me. I don’t know why I have OCD. There are many reasons a person may have this type of mental disorder. However, knowing why is not all that important to me. My reality is that I have OCD and want to get better. I know it is important to give myself grace as I navigate this healing space, as acceptance is everything. 

We cannot change if we do not accept ourselves for exactly who we are at this moment. I am still working on this, but it would be helpful if you all could accept me. And together, we can take steps forward. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

Love, 

 Me with OCD

Written by Nicole Decker, Clinical Mental Health Counseling Masters Candidate