How Knowing Your ‘Yeses’ Helps You Say No
Curiously, being good at saying no isn’t just about the ability to be assertive. And it’s not about a lack of caring about the opinions of others. Setting boundaries around your time, obligations, and interactions with others become much simpler. It’s about knowing your priorities — the things you live for or find important with a resounding yes.
Be intentional about discerning your ‘yeses.’
Consider creating a mission statement based on how you want to show up in your relationships, at work, and in the world. Think of your values and passions in a forward-thinking way, and keep it short and sweet. Share it with your friends and family and keep it near you- in the Notes app on your phone or on the fridge. You want to be surrounded by your own positive words and have people who love you as accountability partners. Understanding your ultimate yeses will help you identify when opportunities and obligations do not fit your goals and values.
Practice the art of saying no well, often, kindly, and without apology or excuse.
Like most things in life, saying no gets easier with practice. When you think of saying no, remember that you don’t need to apologize or provide a reason or an excuse for your answer. Clear kindness like, “Thank you for asking me. My plate is full, and I’m not able to do that at this time,” is all that’s required. Practice saying no in advance so you’re not caught off guard. When you are surprised by an ask, you can buy yourself some time by saying, “I am not sure. Let me think about that/ check my schedule, and I’ll let you know.” If it’s an ask you’re not ready to shut the door on completely, say no, but give the person a timeframe for checking back with you to ask again.
Recognize the gifts of saying no.
Saying no to things that don’t align with our goals and vision for our life reinforces the message that we matter and that how we spend our time is valuable. Freeing up time frees up mental and literal space for better, more authentic opportunities to come our way. Saying no can help us feel powerful and give us a sense of ownership over our choices. Saying no when we are already taxed or stressed gives us time to take care of ourselves in ways that ultimately influence our bodies, spirits, and productivity in the long run. Having ‘no’ as an option in our response repertoire (backed by our mission statement) helps us slow down and give intentional, thoughtful consideration to opportunities so that we can make clear confident decisions.
Get help when saying no feels wrong or scary.
It’s perfectly normal for a new practice to cause anxiety, but check in with yourself if the anxiety is ongoing or you feel paralyzed. Does it feel like saying no could put your relationships at risk? Do you have a persistent worry that if you don’t keep hustling, life will fall apart? Have you tried saying no but are deeply uncomfortable with it even after practice? If so, you may genuinely be afraid for reasons connected to your internal beliefs and boundary setting — like being afraid of having someone angry or disappointed with you, or not wanting to admit that you’re unable to do something. Consider reaching out to a therapist to help you work through these very common feelings, help you strengthen your boundaries, understand your fears and learn how to better advocate for yourself.
Written by Katie Anthony, Marriage and Family Therapy Clinical Intern
