How To Tell Your Kids You Are Getting A Divorce
Telling your children that you and your co-parent are separating can be one of the most challenging and painful experiences as a parent. Although it may be something you are dreading or putting off, talking to your children about the situation is of utmost importance. That being said, a toddler will handle a divorce differently than a 10 year old, who will handle it differently than a 22 year old. So, it is important to assess and plan what you will say depending on how old your kid/s are.
A lot goes into talking to your children about the divorce before the actual talk. With your partner, establish a plan and boundaries before entering into the conversation. Avoid the temptation to place blame on each other for why the divorce is happening. Whether it was a mutual decision or not, to come in as a team will show your kids you still support them as a whole. It’s important you prevent them from witnessing an emotional separation before they even have time to process the true separation. Establishing a plan of action with the other parent is also vital. Planning out what you are going to say, and preparing yourself for questions is always important. Your child may ask you why you decided to get a divorce, if it was their fault, what will happen next, etc. Be ready to have those answers in the back of your mind.
It is easy to talk a circle around the true target of the conversation, especially to your kids as it is a fragile topic and you know it will cause an emotional response from them. But, not being straightforward with your children about the nature of the situation and the plan of action can ultimately cause more emotional turmoil down the road. If you say white lies to cause less pain, sooner or later those lies will come out, and that may result in a feeling of betrayal or resentment from your kids. Being as honest and straightforward with them as possible is your best solution.
Be ready to validate any feelings they have towards either you or your co-parent. They may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, or resentment. Whatever they may feel and however they express it, let them know you support them and understand why they are feeling that way.
It may happen that your kids take the side of one parent or the other. If they begin to say comments that are against their other parent, such as “dad, you’ve always been so mean” or “mom, I get why dad would divorce you” be ready to stick up for the other parent. Stay confident in the fact that the more your kids see you two as a team even with a divorce, the greater sense of comfortability and resilience they may have.
Lastly, timing of the conversation is important. Avoid telling your kids around holidays, birthdays, before bedtime, in a public place, or if they may have heightened emotions about something else on that particular day too. Sit down with them at a time they are calm and in a setting they feel most comfortable.
We recognize that this is an incredibly tough position for any parent to be in, and how daunting it may feel to talk to your kids about this. Of course, there are proper exclusions for some situations such as abusive relationships. Divorce can be complicated, and can affect a child’s mental health. It may be beneficial to place your children in therapy if you feel they may need it during this time of change.
Arcadian therapy is here to help both your kids, and you as co-parents navigate a divorce. Call us at (615) 436-0921 and email at admin@arcadiantherapy.com for more information on our counseling services.
