Understanding Your Parenting Attachment Styles
In the midst of Mother’s and Father’s Day, I am once again in awe of the parents that surround me. Each and every parent I know, whether they are family, friends or a client's parents, is sacrificing more than they dreamed they would for their children. Most parents get up every day (with what I believe is far too little training or instruction) hoping to enhance the lives of those in their care. Parents - we see you, we commend you and we are thankful for the chance to partner with you as you navigate this crazy thing called parenting!
When my children were young, I bounced from self-help book to self-book on parenting in search of wisdom on raising children. It was overwhelming how much information was out there. Furthermore, the information varied depending on the culture, age, gender, etc. of both the child and the parent. By the time my 1st child was 6 months, I was already exhausted. I wonder if a few of you could relate?
Looking back, I wish all these books would have begun with one focus: attachment. Children have a natural instinct to seek comfort and safety from a reliable and responsive adult, especially when they are feeling upset, scared, or uncertain. Attachment is a way of understanding how children form emotional bonds with their parents or caregivers. It is important to remember that as parents, we are consistently forming some kind of attachment bond with our children.
John Bowlby highlighted the effects of attachment with his Attachment Theory in 1969. According to attachment theory, there are four main attachment styles:
Secure: A secure attachment style is formed when a child feels that their caregiver is consistently available and responsive to their needs. This helps the child to feel safe and secure.
Anxious-Ambivalent: An anxious-ambivalent attachment style is formed when a child feels that their caregiver is inconsistent in their responses, sometimes responding quickly and other times ignoring or dismissing the child's needs. This can lead to the child feeling anxious and unsure of whether they can rely on their caregiver.
Avoidant: An avoidant attachment style is formed when a child feels that their caregiver is consistently unresponsive or rejecting. This can lead the child to become emotionally distant and avoid seeking comfort from their caregiver.
Disorganized: A disorganized attachment style is formed when a child experiences trauma or abuse from their caregiver, leading to a confusing and often unpredictable pattern of behavior.
All in all, Bowlby was saying that your efforts of forming attachment bonds with our children can affect their lives in major ways. Every time you lean into your children, they benefit.
Let’s pause to check in, Parents. How are you feeling? If I am honest, sometimes reading about the attachment styles can cause toxic guilt and shame within me. However, what would it be like if we considered attachment to be a gift? The need for attachment helps us survive. It reminds us of the importance of relationships and the power of connection. It tells us that we are not alone. We have each other.
It also reminds us just how much you matter, Parents! By being consistently available and responsive to your child's needs each day, you can help them to develop a secure attachment style. Turning towards them day in and day out sets the foundation for positive emotional development and healthy relationships in the future. Therefore, celebrate your efforts today! Especially the small ones, because each of those efforts makes a huge difference in the lives of your children.
If you are like me and enjoy practical application, here are a few attachment-based activities you can share with your children or loved-ones below:
Face Painting
Face Painting is an excellent way to work on that secure attachment with your child. The closeness of the physical touch married with the silliness of the experience will likely be a moment you won’t forget.
“Guess the Change” Game
Games are always fun, especially when they ask you to notice each other. Stand in front of each other, memorizing the other person’s appearance. Then, ask the child to close their eyes, while the parent changes something about their appearance (i.e. tucking in shirt, putting hair behind your ear, taking out an earring, etc.). When finished, the child will try to notice the parents appearance change and speak that change out loud. If successful, switch roles while the parent guesses!
Synchronized Dancing
Most children adore this activity, regardless of their age. Let the child put their feet on yours, while you hold them and dance around the room to a song. The song can be serious or fun. You get to choose! If you choose to forgo them standing on your feet, just focus all your attention on them while dancing with them to a song.
Written by Cali Bolinger, Candidate for Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy
