Therapeutic Parenting at Home
It can feel overwhelming with the amount of information available on how to raise your child. There are hundreds of thousands of books, podcasts, and articles that tell you how to best parent your child. This makes it incredibly difficult to know what advice to listen to. So let’s start with the basics. There are simple skills used in therapy with children that you, as a parent, can start implementing at home. Some of these might feel or sound simple, but even awareness or a slight change in language can make a difference!
Reflective Listening/Reflections
When your child tells you something, how can we respond best? In play therapy, a type of response is reflection. We reflect what they are feeling back to them. If your child is angry and showing big emotions, identifying what they are feeling back to them can help them feel heard and understood. For example, if your child is upset, angry, and lashing out, simply saying “You’re feeling a lot of anger right now, you’re frustrated with ___” can help them to feel understood and can also improve their emotional literacy. Reflecting emotion is incredibly powerful and can even help in de-escalating a meltdown.
Choice-Giving
Choice-giving can be incredibly powerful and very helpful for both of you. While it encourages autonomy and is empowering to the child, it also can reduce arguments or meltdowns. For example, say you want your child to eat healthier, but you are fighting with them to eat their dinner. You can offer them choices for dinner, all of which contain healthier foods. This allows the child to feel a sense of autonomy while also meeting the nutritional needs of the child. This can also be helpful with play or activities, allowing them to make decisions regarding activities, toys, and more, which encourages creativity, and independence and allows for a deeper connection between you and your child.
Self-esteem/Encouragement
When a child shows you a new piece of art they did or a grade from school it is so difficult not to immediately say “Wow! You did such a good job!”. While this feels encouraging, it also can potentially create a need in the child for external validation. Instead, try to use encouragement that is rooted in the child’s abilities and empowers themselves such as “You must be so proud of yourself!” or “You did that!” We want to try and move away from praise and into encouragement. Here are some examples:
Examples of Praise Statements vs Encouragement Statements
Change ‘You got all A’s in school! You deserve a reward’ → ‘You worked so hard, you must be so proud!’
Change ‘If you work harder, you will get there’ → ‘Look how hard you worked and how far you’ve come’
Change ‘Thank you for putting away your toys like I asked’ → ‘You put away your toys! I appreciate you doing that’
Change ‘I’m proud you won/got an A/etc. ’ → ‘You put everything into this and didn’t give up!’
Change ‘You're amazing! I love it!’ → ‘Wow! Tell me about your art, I can see how happy it makes you.’
Change ‘You’re the best in your class’ → ‘You work hard and you believe in yourself!’
Circles of communication
This may sound simple but it is important. When your child says something to you, they are sharing a part of their world, experience, and life with you. In the circle of communication, when they tell you something, you respond, reflecting back to them or providing encouragement. They will most likely respond back, and you respond again, doing the same thing. This provides a feeling to the child that they feel heard, listened to, and mattered.
Of course, we are human and life is messy. We are not always going to be able to respond in the best way possible every time. As parents, it is hard work to consistently be present, regulate ourselves, regulate for our children, and respond in the “best” way possible every time. That is okay. Continue to work on implementing these strategies as you focus on the amazing and powerful relationship you get to have with your child.
Written by: Gracen Kelly, Candidate for Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling
