Parenting a Teen Is Tough, Bruh
When it comes to raising a teen, the phrase ‘there is nothing new under the sun’ rings true. Despite wide cultural shifts and advances in technology, the basic struggles of the adolescent years rest on the enormous cognitive, emotional and physical shifts taking place in our teens. Research demonstrates that adolescents are prone to greater mood extremes and more frequent mood changes than any other age.
Conflicts with parents increase in frequency and intensity during adolescence and- to add to our fear- so do risky behaviors, such as drinking, smoking, and sexual activity. If we want to navigate this important phase of development in a more attuned, thoughtful way, it’s helpful to look at what effective parents and families do well during the teenage years.
They avoid overreacting. Stereotypes about adolescents as wild and rebellious can lead us to overreact when our children challenge us. When we can stay calm during interactions with our teens, we model appropriate mature behavior for them and have regulated interactions that their maturing brains can manage.
They recognize the danger of being overly strict. Teens need parents who allow them room to experience the consequences of their own decisions but who can also provide reasonable limits. These limits and consequences should be natural and mirror what the adolescent will likely encounter in the adult world later. When freedom is restricted too much out of fear or as a consequence, we can inhibit our teen’s growth in important ways.
They understand the impact of their own story. Consider your experience as a teen and how it might impact the lens with which you view your teen’s behavior, successes, or failures. What fears are coming up for you as you watch your child grow and develop that may impact how you parent? Are you going through changes in your own life that are affecting how you react to your child?
They nurture communication and openness instead of defensiveness. The more teens feel misunderstood, the more driven they are to defend their position. Going head-to-head with your child may mean losing sight of the chance to co-construct a workable compromise. It’s important to remember that your child likely has radically different needs, tastes, and perceptions than you. Strengthening your bond with your child means shifting into more collaborative decision-making.
They parent authoritatively. There is a high correlation between an authoritative parenting style and positive outcomes for teens. Authoritative parents excel at two things- being very warm, responsive, and nurturing to their children while also being strong authority figures who expect mature, responsible behavior from their children. Authoritative parenting fosters a climate of mutual respect and mutual trust. This means teens in these families are more willing to disclose information to their parents, which makes it easier for their parents to monitor them. And a close parent-child relationship of mutual trust also moderates a teen’s susceptibility to peer influence.
They recognize when they need help. Serious or prolonged moodiness, withdrawal, aggression, or changes in appetite signal your adolescent may need more help. It’s dangerous to think that teens are always moody, irritable, and sullen. When you see these warning signs or recognize that you need support in your relationship with your child, consider a therapist who supports you or who can assess your teen for more serious issues.
Written by Katie Anthony, Marriage and Family Therapy Clinical Intern
