Setting Consequences That Work
Choosing the right consequences for your children and implementing them consistently can be one of the most difficult parts of parenting. Consequences can feel overwhelming and important due to their importance in helping keep our kids safe, helping them make good choices, and teaching lifelong lessons. Let’s examine different types of consequences so we can help our children have the important experience of learning about the impact of their decisions.
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are consequences that take place as a result of your child’s behaviors and do not require parental involvement. For example, if your child chooses not to clean their toys up off the ground, it could result in them being broken due to them lying on the ground. If they choose not to wear a jacket outside, they may complain they are cold. When these natural consequences occur, it is in the child’s best interest to take a step back and allow them to experience the consequences of their actions or lack of actions.
When a natural consequence occurs, make sure you are feeling calm and centererd before discussing the occurrence with your child. Try talking to your child about the consequences they experienced and try to empathize with your child is emotions. Once you have validated your child’s emotions and their experiences, try to collaborate on new ways to approach the situation to teach your child responsibility further, and to help them make connections between their actions and consequences.
Logical Consequences
Logical consequences also occur as a result of a child’s actions, but the consequences are carried out by the parent as a follow-up. Prepare for success by setting expectations about consequences in advance. This will help maintain accountability and teach safety. Examples of logical consequences include separating two siblings after they are fighting or taking away toys or objects when the child is purposely misusing them.
The Three R’s to Remember
1.) It’s important to make sure the consequences are related to the behavior. This can be done by communicating the reason for the consequences so they can better understand how their choices affect their life.
2.) Be respectful when implementing the consequences. Avoid using shame or guilt language when redirecting your child’s behavior.
3.) Be reasonable with the consequences given! Make sure that the severity of the consequences is appropriate and matches up with the behaviors shown.
Redirecting and Reinforcing
If your child is upset about consequences, acknowledge and validate their emotions. This helps encourage them to express their emotions appropriately while also sending the message to your child, “I see you.”
Give your child choices. Choices help your child feel they are in control of the situation, and they give them back a sense of responsibility while also helping you get the outcome you want. This will help increase their self-control and further increase their responsibility.
Be kind and firm when following through with the consequences.
Praise the efforts your child is making toward making better choices or thinking through future solutions. This helps instill confidence and enforce the behavior you want to see.
Often parents see an uptick in outbursts, tantrums, and meltdowns during the process of implementing consequences. But with time and consistency, you, your family, and your child will adapt. If you are feeling stuck, ask a therapist to help you identify what values are important to your family and what consequences will fit your child’s age and the behaviors you desire.
Written by Jordan Adane, Candidate for Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling
