Emotional "Meltdowns": What Is Really Happening?
Emotional "meltdowns" can be overwhelming, whether you're experiencing one yourself or witnessing it in someone else. These intense displays of emotion often seem to come out of nowhere, leaving us feeling helpless or frustrated. To better understand what’s really happening during these episodes, it’s helpful to explore the concept of the "upstairs" and "downstairs" brain, a framework introduced by author and researcher Dr. Dan Siegel.
Think of the brain as a house, where the downstairs represents all of the necessities you might need to live, and the upstairs represents the niceties that make life just a little bit easier. Dr. Siegel’s model divides the brain the same way into two key areas: the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.
The Upstairs Brain: The Thinking Brain
The upstairs brain, or the prefrontal cortex, is responsible for higher-order functions like reasoning, decision-making and impulse control. It helps us understand and modulate our feelings, allowing us to respond to situations in a balanced way rather than being driven purely by emotional impulses. In other words, when we’re calm and collected, the upstairs brain is in charge. This part of the brain helps us plan, think critically, and engage in thoughtful conversations.
The Downstairs Brain: The Emotional Brain
On the other hand, the downstairs brain is our emotional and survival center. Many call it the “primitive” part of the brain as it's hardwired to respond to our needs. It’s responsible for processing emotions, especially those related to threat responses like fear or anger. It is also the part of the brain that reacts quickly to perceived threats and can trigger a fight-or-flight response, bypassing the upstairs brain's slower, more deliberate processes. This process of blocking the influence of the upstairs brain in favor of a more needs-based reaction occurs when a part of the downstairs brain called the amygdala gets involved.
The Babygate: The Amygdala
Think of the amygdala as a “baby gate” in our decision-making process. The amygdala’s quick response can be incredibly useful in genuine emergencies where immediate action is required. However, just as a baby gate is designed to prevent a child from wandering into potentially dangerous areas, the amygdala can block or divert the flow of information to the upstairs brain when it senses an immediate emotional threat, allowing the downstairs brain to take full control of the decision-making process.
What Happens During a Meltdown?
During an emotional meltdown or a highly charged emotional state, the amygdala’s influence can effectively “close the gate” on the kind of rational thinking influenced by the upstairs brain, making it challenging for the upstairs brain to engage in thoughtful problem-solving and emotional regulation. This is why during a meltdown, individuals may struggle to articulate their feelings or think clearly. The upstairs brain’s ability to manage emotions and assess situations rationally is significantly compromised.
Strategy for Managing Meltdowns: Connect and Redirect
To manage meltdowns effectively, it is helpful to first address immediate distress before promoting thoughtful processing and problem-solving. One way to do this is through Dr. Dan Siegel’s, "Connect and Redirect", approach:
Connect:
Acknowledge Emotions: Let the person know you understand and care about their feelings. This helps calm them down by addressing their emotions directly.
Get on their level: Physically lower yourself to the child's eye level to make them feel seen and respected. This can reduce feelings of intimidation.
Maintain soft eye contact: Keeping eye contact at their level helps establish trust without overwhelming them.
Use gentle physical touch: If they’re comfortable with it, offer a reassuring touch like a hand on their shoulder or a light pat on the back to create safety and connection.
Reflect their feelings: Use simple reflective phrases like, "I see you're upset" or "It seems like you're feeling sad" to validate their emotions.
Redirect:
Engage Rational Thinking: Once they’ve calmed down a bit, gently guide them to think about what caused the meltdown and how they might handle it differently next time. Do your best to maintain a calm and supportive environment to help them feel safe and understood.
Offer choices: Provide two acceptable options to give them a sense of control, e.g., "Would you like to pick up your toys now or in five minutes?"
Redirect gently: Once connected, guide them towards a more appropriate behavior with positive direction. For example, "Let's walk instead of running inside."
Acknowledge positive behavior: Reinforce their efforts by recognizing their positive choices, like "Thank you for using your inside voice."
By understanding and addressing the relationship between the upstairs and downstairs brains, we can better support ourselves and others during emotional meltdowns. Recognizing that these outbursts are not random but deeply rooted in our brain’s response system can lead to more compassionate, effective strategies for managing and preventing them.
Written by Nili Patel, Candidate for Masters in Human Development Counseling
